Single or Married? This is not a trick question.

Over the years of speaking to women about Single Women Rule (which was first EVE’s Society for those of you who’ve been around since ‘05), I’ve run into a high number of women who are reluctant (regretful?) to identify themselves as “single”.

A common response?

“No, I’m not single,” Upturned nose. “I have a boyfriend.”

Well, while having a boyfriend or being in a committed monogamous relationship takes you off the market from freely dating other people, usually, it doesn’t make you anything other than, yep, single.

Here’s a helpful checklist to help you decide which category you belong in:

If you’re not married, you’re single.

If you’re in a relationship, and you’re not married, you’re single.

If you have a promise ring, a girlfriend ring or engagement ring, you’re single.

If you check SINGLE when you file your taxes, but fill out your taxes while laying in bed next to your live-in-lover, you’re still single.

I recently spoke with Dr. Bella DePaulo, singilism guru and psychologist whose done extensive work with singlehood and she explained the difference between legally single and “socially single.”

It’s a detrimental flaw for women to feel reluctance to identify themselves as either legally or socially single. It perpetuates a woman’s propensity to get in, and stay in, relationships just to not be “single”.

Believing you’re not “single” breeds a false sense of security in a relationship. You’re prone to lose sight of being you for YOU because you’re too busy trying to be, you for the relationship.

As Terry has said in her book, it is important for you to retain your own identity even when (if) you meet that wonderful person you want to be in a relationship with.

Plus, if you don’t understand that you’re single, even though you’re in a relationship, you’ll miss out on great content on sites like SingleWomenRule.com and others (check our Links section), because you’ll think, “Oh this doesn’t apply to me; I’m not single.”

Let there be no misreading between the lines, as I’ve said before, at Single Women Rule we’re not anti-relationship or anti-marriage, we’re pro-both as long as you do it with the right perspective.

Confidently and unabashedly embracing your true singlehood is the first step on the journey to truly enjoying your life as it is today, paving the way for you to truly accept and appreciate it, as it will be tomorrow.

Rejuvenate is Eartha Kitt's guide to staying fit. The late Kitt is an inspiration to single women. (Image from Simon & Schuster Inc.)

Single at age 81 looks damn good if you follow the life and times of multi-faceted performer Eartha Kitt.

Kitt, one of the original triple-threats, died on December 25, 2008 in Connecticut. Her career spanned six decades on stage, screen, and audio. Catwoman wasn’t Catwoman until Kitt purred her way into the role during the Batman television series in 1967. And nobody’s looked at Santa the same after she dropped the hit “Santa Baby” in 1954.

Her career accomplishments include winning two Emmys and scoring nominations for Tonys and Grammys. She found her niche in performing after auditioning for an international dance troupe as a teen, and she didn’t stop. Ever. Weeks before she died, she concluded taping for a PBS special that will air in February 2009. She penned three autobiographies and, in 2001, a guide to staying physically fit, Rejuvenate.

She stood up and spoke out for what she believed in: being blacklisted in the U.S. for speaking out against the Vietnam War and standing up for an end to racism by performing in South Africa.

Kitt, who was married for five years, remained single for most of her life, having high-profile relationships including renown writer Orson Welles, and Revlon founder Charles Revson. She was abused as a child in South Carolina, shipped off to live with an aunt in New York, then abused some more.

Her life should inspire single women. She triumphed over a troubled past. She had the relationships that she wanted, how she wanted. While it’s nice to think marriage is forever, the reality is that sometimes it doesn’t work out like that and it’s nicer when we are enlightened enough to accept that it doesn’t have to.

Your happiness and legacy should not depend on being Ms. Right.

Like Kitt’s, it should depend on doing what you love, standing up for what you believe in and speaking out for what’s right in your heart.

Something borrowed, something stupid: “Don’t Get Married” says this bride to be.  What?!!
By Keysha Whitaker

A woman at my job came up to me today and said, “Don’t get married.”

I looked down at her left hand adorned with sparkly shiny that wouldn’t meet its banded compliment until nearly 18 months.

“You’re not even married yet,” I said incredulously.

She agreed then proceeded to lament her disdain for her fiance’s sister and family. 
She didn’t want her future sister-in-law in the wedding.  The woman was evading bridal fittings.  The sister was hounding the betrotheds for not cleaning up the table, washing and putting away dishes when they visited for dinner. Read more »