Dating expert Ronnie Ann Ryan

Last September, Keysha rolled out her brainchild, the first-ever Single Women Rule Blog Crawl, which featured some mighty fine bloggers, including Bella DePaulo and Ronnie Ann Ryan.

Dr. DePaulo writes for people who are single and have no intention of being anything but. Ronnie, on the other hand, is a coach to single men and women who want to get married. She writes a blog geared to women.

She was so delighted with the results of the Blog Crawl that she’s assembled a group of dating writers for her very own blog-a-thon (she won’t call it a ‘crawl’ out of deference to Keysha).

She asked me to contribute a post, which appears today, and addresses the subject of turning around your love life when you’ve established (as I once did) a stubborn pattern of dating serious duds.

Check it out here.

I never get it when people, particularly women, worry about their age.

I don’t understand why they consider themselves less attractive or less valuable or less anything as they get older. It’s been my experience that people with a few years under their belts are funny, smart, and interesting (well, usually).

So when a book comes along to assure me that life begins at 40, I’m like, “No kidding.” You’re preaching to the choir.

But then I read my mail. I get email from women who tell me they might as well have dropped dead at 40. Men don’t want them. Employers don’t want them. The only person who does want them is the plastic surgeon.

(Again, personal experience shows me something else. A good friend, who’s 44 with two children, attracts a ridiculous number of men ranging in age from 20 to 60. Two years ago, she set her sights on a certain position in a certain location - and got it. Still has it, too.)

But if you’re a woman who fears 40, I do recommend Linda Franklin’s Don’t Ever Call Me Ma’am! The Real Cougar Handbook. The first Canadian woman to own a seat on the New York Stock Exchange, the woman’s got a winning attitude whether she’s writing about success or relationships.

Here’s Franklin’s take on men:

While it may be true that more women over 40 are enjoying relationships with younger men, they aren’t putting themselves on the auction block to do it. Don’t believe for a minute that a Real Cougar is a lonely predator skulking in dark bars preying on younger men. She is definitely not the cartoon character that too many make her out to be. Undoubtedly, this negative image was concocted by the overly testosteroned fantasy world of our male population. Let’s face it: Women are still the prime target for the good old boy’s double standard. And the only way we’re going to change that is to continue to excel doing it our way.”

The book includes a how-to chapter on dating and relationships, guest-written by dating coach and author Ronnie Ann Ryan (full disclosure: Ronnie’s a competitor of mine who’s now a friend). The book also features Franklin’s easy-to-follow advice on managing one’s finances and her success plan for achieving goals (with a very inspiring story about how one woman set out to become a best-selling author and became one). There’s also a chapter on sex, amusingly titled, “Sex Is Not a Job.”

Fore more information on Linda Franklin and Don’t Ever Call Me Ma’am!, check out The Real Cougar Woman.

It’s Day 3 of the SingleWomenRule.com Blog Crawl!

At SWR, we recognize that there are many aspects of singlehood, those who are dating, those who aren’t, those who have no desire to ever date, and a whole bunch of other folks in between.  Our guest bloggers are friends to SWR and have proven to be a vital voice in their work with singles in various stages of their lives.  The Blog Crawl is an opportunity for writers and blogs to increase their audience, impart their wisdom, and share their wit with the online singles community.  Blog posts appear in no particular order and were not edited by the host blogs.   We believe National Singles Week is about empowerment to express yourself, and hope throughout the week, you meet a writer or blog, that expresses your opinion too.

With that said, I’m pleased to present this piece by Ronnie Ann Ryan, The Dating Coach.

Hi Ronnie,

I’m wondering about the protocol for online dating. If you meet someone on a dating site and go out on several successful dates, should you continue to log in to your profile so as to not seem too easily “sold” on him or is it disrespectful to do this?!?! I’m really confused at this point and would love to hear your take on this one. Thanks Terry!

Kelly

Hi Kelly,
Great question! I’m going to start by saying “It depends.” How many successful dates have you had? Three or 10? While the number is a bit arbitrary, it will give you ball park idea of where you are at in the stages of dating and relationship.

If you have had less than 7-10 dates, you are still getting to know each other and remain a “free agent”. Dating is really a time for “data gathering”, when you are collecting details about the other person to see how much long-term potential there may be.

When dates are fun, and the person seems worthwhile, you keep dating until you both decide to be exclusive. That’s definitely when you would bring up the topic of exclusivity and take down your profile. Just keep in mind, bringing up exclusivity and commitment can make some men run for the hills.

Of course, if your man runs, then he probably wasn’t the right guy or “wasn’t that into you” as Gregg Berhandt would say.

Now that you understand the underlying idea behind the question of leaving your profile up or taking it down, we can move on to talk about how to address this.

My advice? Bring it up like it’s a passing thought. “I was wondering, do you think I should take down my profile?” This is a very non-threatening way to begin the exclusivity conversation, with finesse rather the bulldozer approach. After all, you aren’t asking him about “your relationship.” You are simply asking his opinion on what you should do – take your profile down or leave it up?

Pay attention to his answer. Not just the words, but the eye contact, and body language. Does he squirm and look away? When he talks, does he look you in the eye? All details are important because this is detective work designed to collect clues about how your man feels about you and exclusivity.

If he asks what you mean, tell him what you are thinking. “We’ve been seeing each other for 6 weeks and I’m not sure I want to see other guys since this seems to be going well.” Then zip it and listen to what he has to say. This will likely open up a whole discussion about where the relationship is going without having to start with those scary words. The question of “Where is this relationship going?” is very frightening to men.

If your guy isn’t ready for exclusivity, it’s better to know that fact. Don’t fall in love yet, because he’s not ready to be exclusive. And that leaves you free to continue meeting and seeing other guys. Maybe you will find a man who is more ready. Or maybe your guy will start thinking what a great catch you are and he might want to become exclusive so another guy doesn’t scoop you up and take you away.

To read more about the “Exclusivity Talk”, visit my blog.  While you are there, download a copy of my free ebook 5 Big Turnoffs that Drive Men Away and 7 Surefire Ways to Make Men Want You – it’s on every page in the top right corner.

Ronnie Ann Ryan , The Dating Coach, is the author of MANifesting Mr. Right, and creator of the powerful new audio program, I Believe: Affirmations to Attract Love Now!

Terry’s blog, Dating Advice (Almost) Daily, is a great place to find interesting tidbits, advice and opinions.  Here’s an excerpt from a recent post.  We’ve all dealt

Somebody left the following comment on a previous post, How to Win Him Back:

This article is helpful, but I don’t know how to be strong…

My boyfriend of 4 1/2 years, my first and ONLY anything, just broke up with me yesterday and I don’t know how to deal. He said he needed “space” to find himself, which I know is true… but I can’t seem to understand why he needs me to be out of the picture… this is so tragic…

And I say, yeah, it’s definitely tragic when someone we love turns around after a number of happy dates, weeks, months, or years, and says, “I need space,” but let me tell you: The best thing you can do is give him space.

(Just so you know, I’ve been there, and I really, really feel for you right now.)

If you call him, text him, IM him to implore him to remember the good times and plead with him to tell you exactly when things turn a wrong turn, it will only drive him further away.

(Once again, I’ve been there.)

Think about it. If you’ve ever been in the position where you’re being pursued by someone you’re not sure of at the moment, does it make him more or less attractive if he keeps pursuing you after you’ve politely asked him to back off?

It’s entirely possible that the man in this scenario just needs time to figure out what he wants. It’s possible he’ll decide he wants this relationship to continue. It’s possible that he’ll decide he doesn’t.

But the only way to know for sure is to give him what he’s asked for: Space. In the meantime, ask yourself what’s the worst thing that could happen here (he won’t come back?). If he chooses not to come back, please be open to the possibility that better things lie ahead for you.

While you let him enjoy his space, make a point of enjoying yours. This means reaquainting yourself with the people, places, and things that made you happy that may have fallen by the wayside over the past four years. It means discovering new interests and making new friends. Most of all, it means taking excellent care of yourself.

I wish you every happiness.

I realize I’m a little late with this; the DVD’s been out for a couple of weeks already, but let me say it: I loved this movie.

And I sure could relate to it. In grammar school, the boy who sat in front of me took joy in dishing out verbal abuse. He liked to snap me with rubber bands. Other times, the psycho would flick the pen off my desk, drawing the attention of a nun who would sneak up behind me and yank my pigtails for leaving my seat to retrieve it.

When I went home and complained to my mother about this stupid kid, she told me, “He’s only treating you that way because he likes you.”

And that’s the premise of He’s Just Not That Into You: Countless women have learned to mistake abuse (or indifference) for love after some well-meaning individual announced, “He’s only treating you that way because he likes you.”

The movie is crammed with appealing stars, including Scarlett Johansson, Kevin Connolly, Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Connolly, Bradley Cooper, and Ginnifer Goodwin. I thoroughly enjoyed their characters’ stories. Ginnifer Goodwin is the girl who thinks every guy who isn’t calling has to be crazy about her. Jennifer Connolly plays a woman who gave her husband an ultimatum to get married, only to find out after the wedding that he’s not all that committed. Kevin Connolly’s wild about a woman who’s giving him mixed signals. Jennifer Aniston’s character lives with a guy who loves her but refuses to get married.

He’s Just Not That Into You is great fun, in addition to offering solid advice about love and relationships. It tells the truth. The truth will set us all free.

She'd date him, if his back looked like this.

Today, SWR is delighted to introduce a new monthly advice column, My Sister’s Place by Lisa Slade, to help single women happily and successfully navigate the world. Lisa Slade is a Licensed Professional Counselor in the State of Connecticut. Her private practice is New Vision Consultants, LLC where she offers life coaching, mental health counseling and consultation services.

Dear Sister,
I have been dating this guy for about four months; we met on the internet. The first time on the phone, we talked for hours and really clicked, and spent a few weeks talking before we actually met. When we finally did see him, I thought he wasn’t really my type. He’s not uuuuuggly but, I wouldn’t have really tried to talk to him if it’s the other way around. So I’m not really that sexually attracted to him either but we have fun hanging out. My friends say I am being superficial and that looks fade, but the hair on his back really drives me out my mind.
Should I kick him to the curb or suck it up and just be happy we get along and he treats me well?

Dear “The hair on his back skeeves me out!”,

I think you really have to do some soul searching and ask yourself . . . Could I be with this guy if he got his back waxed? If the answer is still no . . .then he’s a nice guy, but not the one for you. But don’t worry, you are not being superficial. When it comes to dating and relationship, guess what: looks do matter!

Forget all that, “If he’s nice, you’ll learn to love him” crap. If the chemistry ain’t there, it just ain’t there and there is no amount of self-convincing or clicking of your red ruby slippers that will make him seem physically attractive to you.

The reality is everyone is beautiful in their own way. The good news is that we decide what and who is attractive to us based on our cultural influences. True beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Now the bad news is that the media bombards us daily with their images and perceptions of what they think constitutes beauty and as a result we become brainwashed and adopt their superficial ideals. We miss out on what could be some wonderful relationship when we judge others too harshly based on physical attraction. Read more »