Cosmo-Smosmo! Single Women Rule's dating tips put the ball in your court.

God Bless Cosmopolitan Magazine. Hell-bent on helping the single gal land her man.

One article posted recently on Yahoo’s Dating site is by Christie Griffin: “Dating 101: How to be a Total Man-Magnet”.

So I thought it’d be fun if I took the liberty to uh – amend – these rules to a Single Women Rule liking.

Griffin / Cosmo says:
“Dating tip #1: Go out in groups of no bigger than three.Larger groups of girls are supertough (read: intimidating) to approach. Three is a good number because your two friends can keep each other company when a guy walks up to chat with you.”

SWR Dating Tip #1:
Go out in groups of at least six. Maybe sixteen.  Larger groups of women may intimidate men and you want to make sure you weed out the weak yellow-bellied ones – so the more of your girls the merrier. You don’t want a guy who’s going to prey on you like an injured wilderbeast that’s fallen behind the herd. If he’s ballsy enough to brave the front-line, then you best believe he can handle Aunt Erma at Thanksgiving dinner.

Okay there was no number two on the version of the article I read, so here’s my own: Repeat number 1.

Griffin / Cosmo says:
“Dating tip #3: Smile genuinely. So obvious, right? But I can’t stress it enough — and I can’t believe I ever acted aloof in an attempt to seem more cool. Now I know that women smile all the time naturally (when we’re nervous, when we’re trying to be polite, etc.), so if you don’t do it at all, you look unapproachable.”

SWR Dating Tip #3: Snarl. Squint your eyes and utter a guttural growl. If he doesn’t yelp and run back to the cave, and you find his man-sight pleasing, lick your lips five times and clap once. Men like it when you act excited to see them.

“Dating tip #4: Work the eye contact. To reel him in from across the room, tilt your chin down a bit and flash him a couple of sultry glances. (Guys love it when you look up at them — it makes them feel manly.) If the guy across the room is so gorgeous you have a hard time looking straight at him and are simply too nervous, fake it by focusing on the tiny area right between his eyes. He won’t be able to tell the difference.”

SWR Dating Tip #4: Work the eye contact. To reel him in, stare him down with a wide-eyed what’d you say about my momma stare for at least five minutes. (The key is not to blink to get maximum eye contact.) Once you have his attention cover your eyes with your hands and play a coy game of peek-a-boo. (Guys love it when you play hard to get.)

And Lord Be, if the guy across the room is too gorgeous you can’t look him in the eye, imagine what being with him on a regular basis would do for your self-esteem! Nothing says loving like a big ol’ cup of you’re-so-fine-why-are-you-with-me in the morning.  (Not to mention the free pass you’ll give him for doing super ignoramus stuff just because you’re happy such a fine guy chose you. And don’t forget you never know if he’s lying because you can’t look him in the eye.)

But if you still gotta have him, you can fake it by focusing on the big zit right between his eyes. He won’t be able to tell the difference, unless of course, your eyes start to cross and you pass out.

“Dating tip #5: Don’t immediately ask him what he does. Some men think all women are gold diggers. A lot of my clients hated being asked what their job is. It’s that fear-of-being-used thing again.”

SWR Dating Tip #5: Immediately ask him what he doesn’t do. Ramble off a list of things including drug dealer, pimp, white-collar criminal, pathological liar, and priest of Satan to get things started. He’ll get so tired of it, he’ll come out and say what he really does, then you don’t have to ask!  For us, it’s that fear of dating the “music producer” who actually lives in his momma’s basement with a Casio keyboard and Sony tapedeck thing again. Yes, a tapedeck.

“Dating tip #6: Make positive small talk. Once I started studying other women, I couldn’t believe how negative some of us appear. When you’re out on the town, you’re supposed to be having fun, and any complaint (“It’s hot in here!”), pessimism (“There will definitely be another terrorist attack”), or snarky quip (“Look at that chick’s belt — so 2002!”) pretty much pokes a hole in the fun-girl aura you should be projecting. Some better small-talk topics: recent vacations, favorite bands, hilarious movies. You can hit him with your deep, dark world-view some other time.”

Griffin’s got some merit to this one. No one wants to be around an ho-hum Eor (well, Eor did always have Pooh, but that’s not the point). If the negative talk is oozing out of you naturally that’s a problem! Following a rule to mentally edit is not going to solve the root issue: Why are you always blurting out the first negative thing? Why are you picking apart other women? Why are you pessimistic and stressed out?

Pretending to be positive only tricks him and yourself into thinking you’re someone you’re not.

At SWR, we want you to land a man, if that’s want you want, but we want you to get yourself right first.   Yes, Griffin’s right: be positive and be genuine. But don’t do it to catch a man.  Do it first for yourself.

Before long  that natural positive energy will be all the man-magnet you need.

–Keysha Whitaker

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Should you have the talk or take a walk?

To this I say – Hogwash and Fiddle-Fuddle!

My advice is if you have to have THE TALK, then YOU BETTER WALK!

I think, in my humble single opinion, if you have to sit a guy down to get a clue about what he’s feeling about you, to borrow a word from He’s Just Not That Into YOU . . . “He’s just not that into you!”

Why does it have to be that difficult? Call me an old-fashioned girl, but in some aspects I’m a traditionalist. I wish I grew up in the 1950’s when girls got to wear letter jackets and pins and guys still said, “Do you want to go steady?”

You knew he wanted you BECAUSE HE SAID IT! You didn’t have to read an article, pick an opportune time or choose your words wisely.

I have a friend who despises this philosophy and thinks it throws us back to a time before we burned our bras and held Tupperware parties, but I think there’s some merit in a man opening his mouth – other than to swallow a beer or eat a buffalo wing or well, never mind.

In today’s society, for some reason men have been allowed to slip into a sloppy dating style. You date a dude for a few months, then voila, he’s upgraded you to girlfriend and you didn’t even know it.

I say this to “The TALK”:
Screw it. Some people may say I am delusional and no relationship has a future unless it’s defined. Partially true, I’m only delusional on third Thursdays between 8 p.m. and 8:37 p.m., and relationships should be defined, but you shouldn’t have to use every word in Webster to do it.

Single women should not be concerned with his agenda unless he clearly articulates it. If you have to pin him down to figure out where he wants to go, you need go. Push pedal to the metal on your own life, and let him figure out how to jump in the car when you hit the roundabout. Don’t pull over and ask him to ride shotgun, especially if he’s articulating through his actions (which always speak louder) that he’s got no idea how to read a map or no clue where he wants to go if he did.

–Keysha Whitaker