The Power of Eye Contact

I’m one of those people who wants eye contact. I want it from bank tellers, cashiers, and especially the human who pierces my arm at the blood drive. When I don’t get it, it bothers me. It makes me feel unseen.

I’m not looking for a lengthy, soul-searching gaze. I really just want to be acknowledged for who I am:  A fellow human being.

So I definitely notice when someone shouts brightly, “Hey, Terry! Great to see you,” and they’re talking into their checkbook.  Clearly I’m not alone in this because I recently came upon The Power of Eye Contact, a new book by Michael Ellsberg, who studied the benefits of looking into the orbs of other souls. I snatched it up and was not disappointed. The author, who confesses he was once “awful at eye contact,” provides science that demonstrates how it affects one’s ability to get a date,  deepen relationships, and succeed in business.

Ellsberg became interested in the subject after a series of disappointing nights in bars, where he hoped to meet the woman of his dreams. He writes:

“Instead, what I found was small talk. Lots of it.

‘Where are you from?’

‘What do you do for a living?’

‘What neighborhood do you live in?’

‘Do you like living in New York?’

Blah, blah, blah.

I started calling this ‘resume talk.’ It felt more like a job interview than a prelude to a life of passion.”

In addition to being a writer, Ellsberg is a salsa dancer. He came to realize that a dancing partner could be the ‘queen of technique,’ but if her eye contact were dead or non-existent, the dance would also feel lifeless.

“By contrast, a woman could be rather plain on the outside. She could have a modest repertoire of turns and an undeveloped sense of the music. But if the quality of her eye contact was good — inviting, deep, soulful, expressive, steady, joyful — the dance would invariably be a pleasure.”

This realization led Ellsberg to get a bunch of singles together to “stop the mindless chatter and start the gaze.” He convinced a bartender to let him run “Eye Gazing Parties.”  The media, starting with the New York Times, expressed interest and asked questions about eye contact Ellsberg couldn’t answer. He, in turn, sought out people — academics, sales professionals, public speakers, flirting experts, and others — to give him the information he needed.

And then he wrote The Power of Eye Contact, a fun and compelling read.  In a chapter entitled, “What Bill Clinton Knows About Eye Contact, ” Ellsberg presents an anecdote in which actress Gillian Anderson describes the source of  the ex-president’s magnetism. My other favorite chapters are  ”How to Become a Master of Eye Contact in Two Weeks”  and “Eye Flirting, Parts I and II.”

Among the book’s many interviews is a valuable Q&A with Wonder‘s Annie Lalla, who offers excellent advice for women who avoid eye contact with new men, fearing they’ll end up in dicey situations.

You may wonder if Ellsberg ever did find his love match. He did.

“As the salsa tune picked up speed, our eyes met. Jena’s whole body was moving, but all I could pay attention to was her eyes — they pierced me. I saw compassion, longing, loss, warmth in her eyes — the whole spectrum of humanity, in two small but infinitely deep pools.”

Soon afterwards, he moved across the country to be with this woman. Now they’re getting married.

If you want to know what eye contact can do for you, or if you want to learn how to make it properly, read The Power of Eye Contact.