“That’s Why You’re Single” . . . ?
Pick your man like you pick your fruit.
I’m sure I’m not the only one this happens to. I’ll be telling a story (either to a friend or on my blog) about why I’d not going to date some guy. And I’ll give my reason, whatever it is – because he lives more than a couple of hours away, or was rude to a waiter, or bad about returning my phone calls (or any of a dozen other reasons that would make me not want to date a guy) and in response I’ll hear, “you’re too picky “ followed quickly with, “that’s why you’re single”.
This used to upset me a lot. I’d try hard to defend myself against charges that I was picky. I’d explain how easy going I was, and how flexible my standards really were. That it wasn’t my fault that I was single.
Because that’s the way I’d always been made to feel. That I was at fault. “You’re too picky” was an accusation that I’d been doing something wrong and being single was my punishment.
But then, just recently, I realized that I was looking at it all wrong. First of all, I don’t see being single as a punishment. If other people do, well that’s their problem, not mine.
And I don’t see what’s wrong with being picky. The truth is, I like my life as a single person. I’d be willing to change it, to become a part of a couple, if someone really wonderful and special came into my life. But only if that person were really wonderful and special. It seems to me that being picky is the smart way to be.
So now I respond by saying that I may very well be picky compared to someone else. And that it’s OK I’m single. I’m happy with my life. That maybe I’m meant to be single. Forever. And that maybe the reason I’m single is that there really isn’t a good match for me, someone who I’d live happily with. And that I’m fine with that.
I gotta say, I love watching the expression on people’s faces when they hear this.
Simone Grant is the author of the blog, Sex, Lies & Dating in the City and a member of SingleWomenRule.com.
I loved this article! I’m thinking of making up a T-shirt that reads, “Being single is NOT a punishment!” Take THAT! Hee hee.
i dated this guy for a few days. then i found out he drinks about once a week. never gets drunk, but has his share. i want to be with someone clean and balanced. the guy thinks i’m insecure for dumping him because of this and some of my friends seem to think he and i were meant to be. definitely not going to those guys for advice, even if they actually are well meaning. i want to be with someone with who enriches my life instead of jeopardizing it. happy to be single!
I want you to have something clever to respond with about that’s why half of marriages end in divorce but I’m not sure I’m clever enough to work it out. How about “I’m just trying to avoid contributing to the half of first marriages that end in divorce.”
Well, the expression on my face right now is a big grin because I’m remembering the looks of consternation I’ve gotten when I’VE said as much to my friends and family. Luckily, though, a lot of them have also been very supportive.
One of the things I never really get about the “too picky” complaint is that it’s not as if you can just change what you like in someone else. Perhaps if what you like about others is something unhealthy, you can change it after years of therapy. But if what you like is, say, guys who are into the arts and travel, who are outgoing and love their families and share your political views, then that’s what you like. How are you supposed to snap your fingers and fall for someone who doesn’t have those traits?
In the past, I tried to ignore the absence of traits I longed for (or the presence of traits I couldn’t stand), but in the end, it was useless. I couldn’t muster up love for someone who was…just not lovable to me. Not saying that these guys weren’t worthy of love by any means, but I wasn’t the one who could give that to them, and I knew it. No amount of hoping or wishing could change it.
I wish people would just mind their own business. What makes them think that their choices are appropriate for everyone? Consider the source: if their life isn’t one that you’d want, why would you take their dating advice?
I liked your article. Thanks for sharing!
In my opinion to some of the above comments, there are some good points taken, but a woman can become too picky about choosing the right man and grow old and die alone. Therefore she might have missed a good life with someone. Too many single women put too much emphasis on what another person can do for them to make them happy. Money, adventure, travel are good on television, but in real life its not always so. Single women these days need a good wake up call in certain areas of their life.
I’m grinning too- this post explains exactly how I feel! I used to feel bad about being single, but in the last few years I had the courage to admit I quite enjoy it. Family and friends occasionally try to match me up with men they know, but I just say no, because I think dating someone is too important a choice, and too personal a decision, to be influenced by anything else than what I ultimately want. In some ways being picky reflects that you are happy in your current situation – just think of the behaviours of desperadoes! Besides, how would you like it, if you heard that your cool new boyfriend said to his friends “oh yeah, she’s not all that special really, but I thought I shouldn’t be so fussy anymore….”