How to love the man who got away
Free at last!
It’s happened to a lot of us.
At some time in our lives, we fell for someone who did not fall for us. Or we fell for someone who fell for us for a month, a year, five years, and then went away. Maybe he relocated to Australia to explore the Great Barrier Reef, or maybe he just moved into a basement apartment in Brooklyn with a girl who designs wire jewelry.
And we were left utterly, shatteringly alone.
It doesn’t matter how long ago he left, every time we come across his picture, or run into a mutual friend, or hear a song that came on in the car as we rode to the beach with him, it all comes flooding back. We remember the set of his shoulders the first time he told us he loved us. We remember how he gently swabbed the sand out of our ears with the corner of his towel.
We’re happy thinking about these things, and then we start wondering where it started to go wrong. We start thinking that if we’d said this or done that, we could still be with him today. And suddenly, we’re bereft. And angry.
And so it goes.
This is what passes for life. We go to work, make the dinner, take out the dry cleaning, but we’re not really here. We’re thinking of him, wondering where he is, what he’s doing, wondering if he ever thinks of us. We find hope in New York Times accounts about couples broken up for 35 years who find each other through Classmates.com and reunite, after wrong marriages, under a huppah in the Central Park Boathouse.
We think, “If it happened to them, it could happen to us.”
But, the thing is, it probably won’t. Existing in the hope that some guy will come to his senses and storm back from the Great Barrier Reef, or at least climb out of the basement apartment in Brooklyn, amounts to slow death. The only thing we’re getting out of it is old.
If you suffer from this affliction, it’s time to snap out of it. It’s time to reclaim the real, rewarding, and fun life you deserve.
Ask yourself, “What is the worst thing that could happen if (let’s call him ‘Bradley’) never comes back to me?”
You will probably come up with this answer:
“Bradley never comes back to me.”
And then ask yourself, “What are the chances that Bradley will come back to
me?”
You’ll probably conclude that they’re not very good. Which means it’s time to give up the fantasy of a passionate reunion with the guy. This will be painful, absolutely, but you must allow yourself to feel the pain for a day or two or even a week.
Feel it. Acknowledge it. You’ll find it will eventually lose its power (but only if you stop burying it under a pile of denial).
Next, change your thoughts. If you’re thinking about Bradley while you’re on the treadmill (or if the hope of reconciliation with him is your sole reason for even being on the treadmill), it’s time to find something else to think about. Set a goal that has nothing to do with Bradley whatsoever.
Visualize yourself achieving that goal, whether it’s a trip to Malawi, winning the National Book Award, or scoring a speaking part on The New Adventures of Old Christine.
Remember all the sensory details you used to evoke in your fantasies about ol’ Bradley? Well, use that skill to fill in sensory details for your new dream. Feel it. Make it real. Everytime Bradley’s pretty face pops into your mind, banish it. Switch the picture to your new “reality.” (Eventually, you can use this technique for drawing a new love into your life, but if you do that now, you’re only going to revert to thinking about the man who must be forgotten.)
Last but not least, here’s the key to getting over Bradley for good:
Wish him well. Wish him every happiness in life. Better yet, pray that he receives every blessing in life.
What? I hear you shouting. Why the hell should I pray for him when he’s left me here broken and alone? SOMEBODY PRAY FOR ME!
But here’s the thing. When you wish Bradley well or — better yet– pray for him, you’re setting forces in motion. What you wish for others, you wish for yourself. When you bless others, you bless yourself. Bless Bradley and wish him every happiness.
By setting him free, you set yourself free. You’re not weakening yourself. You’re making yourself stronger (and, eventually, peaceful and joyful and light).
I have a friend who suffered a heart-wrenching breakup with the love of her life (or so she thought), and she hated him for it. Oh, how she suffered! And suffered. And suffered. Eventually, it dawned on her that she had no power in the situation. She couldn’t make the guy want her. She couldn’t make the guy do the “right” thing.
So she prayed for him and wished him well. She didn’t pray that the guy would come back to her. She gave up her compulsion to possess him. She stopped forming fantasies of revenge and reconciliation. She quit day dreaming about dropping ten pounds and bumping into him while wearing a drop-dead dress.
She prayed that he would be blessed with every excellent thing in life.
It was a tall order, definitely. Who wants to want good things for the person who crushed your heart under the front tire of his SUV? But this woman reports that it paid off. She started to feel okay about the situation. She felt a sense of power in the situation. She no longer felt broken, rejected, unwanted, and alone. She stopped suffering and started living. She felt peaceful, joyful, and light.
You should see her now.
-Terry Hernon MacDonald
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By Keysha, November 18, 2008 @ 10:17 am
Terry,
LAAWWD KNOWS this post is right on time! I was going through that exact same thing yesterday, wallowing in my own sorrows about loves lost and what I could have done to make it right or better!
Ironically, I hung out with one of those love losts that comes back just enough to be almost found then disappears again. There was a solemn resolve that I knew he’ll remain forever elusive. As I listened to his heart beat, I ironically found myself just wishing him the best and safekeeping in life.
It did feel good and empowering. I don’t know why us smart chicks sometimes get stuck in dead-end situations, but the advice in your article is a great way for single gals to make sure they RULE!
Good stuff!
By Binwah, November 18, 2008 @ 7:52 pm
Your title - Single Women Rule, LLC » How to love the man who got away - caught my eye on the google blogsearch page. Just goes to show you how important good titles are!
I’ve added http://www.singlewomenrule.com to my reader, so I can see what else you come up with
By admin, November 19, 2008 @ 6:21 am
Thank you, Binwah! We appreciate it.
By Marguerite, November 20, 2008 @ 5:49 am
Dear Terry~
You are so right on!
When we feel hurt sometimes we just like to ignore it, like it’s going to go away. Your advice on how to “feel it”, is good. It gives it a chance “to be”, “to exist” and, then, “to leave” us.
Also, Prayer is so positive….
Love given comes back to us; maybe not by this one, but, by another. Good begets good; and, loving makes us loved.
And, Yes, very importantly, your advice on using our energy, and, redirecting it to something else, some goal is excellent.
Your vibes are right on!
Keep up the good work; and, thank you for loving your sisters!
Your friend,
Marguerite
By Lynda, November 20, 2008 @ 9:15 am
Dear Terry,
I have been subscribed to your newsletter for over a year now. I regularly read your articles and know that I would benefit from your MarrySmart.but I have never ordered. You see.. I fell for a married man. we were friends until he changed the rules. and I allowed him to.. I have been in denial for five years. and just only recently “snapped” into my painful reality…I had been walking around angry at him for choosing to stay married and not leave his wife for me..As a result of that. I stayed trapped in a place where I knew love would have no portal!
I read “How to Love the Man that Got Away”.. and although I have known this in theory.. something clicked.. and I am going to try this. I know in my heart that this is what I have needed to do… You have such “Love Genius” in your soul. I am thankful for you….
Lovingly,
Lynda
By Goli, November 20, 2008 @ 9:46 am
Dear Terry,
I’ve been trying to do what you just explained in ur note, and I think I’ve been successful to some extent, but the thing that is bothering me is my guy is still around and one of my friends is heating on him! she bring her stories to me and to be honest walks on my nerves with them! I think I’m so over him now but still this friend can ruin my life, I see him going out with other girls and I’m totally fine with that, but with her even a simple smile kills me:( I really don’t know what to do?!
By Michelle, November 20, 2008 @ 9:59 am
This is so very true. I went through this with a man I thought was just right for me when we met. We dated for a while only to find out he had cold feet whenever we got close. I think he secretly loves the chase. For months I pouted, cried, felt awful, then.. finally I wrote him a note and dismissed him in a wonderful you have a nice life there’s nothing wrong with you but I deserve more kind of way. When he phones me now, I simply am to busy enjoying my life to pick up the phone. You have to try this ladies… it really works… just let him go with your blessing.
By Rayna, November 20, 2008 @ 10:10 am
This is just awesome! This morning I prayed for Truth in this subject matter. And lo and behold, right in front of me in black and white and answer to my prayer. Yes this things you sorta already know in theory and logic, but sometimes to see them and read them……..ALOUD, makes all the difference in the world.
By Terry, November 20, 2008 @ 1:18 pm
Lynda, Marguerite, and Rayna-Your comments made my day.
Goli-Can you put space between yourself and this so-called friend? Spend as little time with her as possible. She sounds like bad news.
By Susan N. Pearl, November 20, 2008 @ 1:42 pm
Terry, you must be my Guardian Angel. How timely you posed this article. Thanks in advance. My love moved across Canada 5.5 wks ago. He moved back to his birthplace. Bought an ocean property, never married (nor met anyone he wanted to spend time with until…. Lived 12 yrs in his apartmment. Guess he doesn’t miss me enough yet. He took a card that had my pictures in it.I snapped his photos uploaded them onto my computer background & my Blackberry. My pyschic girl friend showed me how to release him on Full Moon nights. Think you finally got through to me. We lived in the same apartment complex he was in one building and I was in another. He didn’t have to drive me home but the walks from his building to mine I floated across the parking loy. We met 12 yrs ago after connecting on a dating line (no chemistry) In August while I was purging papers for my residential move, I came across his phone # and felt compelled to call. Left a voice message and he returned the call the next day. He did not remember me. We re-met again mid August and the parking lot shook. Our 1st date was the end of the month. I can still picture him and how yummy he looked. We walked around the man-made lake that wass nestled behind my apartment building. OUr walk was cut short — without warning the skies opened and it started to pour– we got drenched. Chemistry Plus Attraction was overpowering. We dated some more, texted and he was persuing me. He moved across Canada after our Canadian Thanksgiving. Promised to call, email and text. To date — heard zero. My support team has been telling me that he does not deserve me and their are great guys just waiting to be discovered. He is due back in January. My psychic reading in September indicated that he was only here for a short time. After reading the posts for all the other readers and your post Terry. I am readier to cut him loose and find the man who deserves me. Forever Grateful Susan
By Tracey, November 20, 2008 @ 2:58 pm
Talk about timing, I was dating an ex recently and he still treated me very badly. So I decided to break up with him, he phoned me convinced me I was making a mistake. So I took him back, (that was last Wednesday). We had plans to hang out on Saturday and I have not heard from him, didn’t even get a cant’ make it tonight email, phone call, text etc. I have been hanging onto the hurt since Saturday, but with this article I see that I can let him go with peace…cause trust me that’s not what I was feeling with him.
By sara, November 20, 2008 @ 6:58 pm
Just knowing that I am not crazy for thinking of the one who got away and fantasizing that he will come rushing back, makes me feel so much better. Knowing I am not the only one who feels this pain makes me feel better. I just hope I can stay positive and strong and not feel sorry for myself for being alone at this time and blaming myself for him leaving–like only if I had been better or not felt angry etc. Anyway thanks a lot and many prayers for everyone going through this same thing.
By R.M. Knight, November 30, 2008 @ 7:50 pm
It’s that lonely time of the year again. The holidays usually bring on the miseries, but not any more. Used to be Saturday nights at home alone had that same effect on me. Make plans, my friends. Help somebody who needs it. Be involved. Eventually the mystery of lost loves fades, when you insist on living in the here and now…it helps to focus on people who are loving and let the “aloofs” dissolve. People who lack substance do dissolve when not maintained by our imaginations, I have discovered.
Rock on,
Rainy K.